Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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