Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
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I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
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Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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