I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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