I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
