You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
