i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
