I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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