Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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