I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
