Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
