im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Randomize
