You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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