I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
