did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
