i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
