I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
