There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
