She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
