You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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