So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
