i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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