Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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