If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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