why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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