some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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