I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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