I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
