i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
