You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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