Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
