I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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