Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
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I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
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I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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