I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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