Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
