Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
