i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
