I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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