had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
