News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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