I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
