stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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