kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
