I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
