is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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