I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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