I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
