Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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