all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
