if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
