we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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