ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
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Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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