He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Holy sore nipples Batman
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
