so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
