i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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