put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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