A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
last night I used snow as a chaser
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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