Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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